I get my hopes up every time, but this time they were especially high. We did everything right this month. I truly, with all my heart, believed it was going to happen. So when it didn’t, you can imagine the breakdown I had. I got mad…I cried…I asked “Why me?”…I screamed “It’s not fair!”. This deep pain and disappointment and lack of understanding is becoming exceedingly difficult to deal with month after month. It is consuming my life and taking over my every thought and action, and I’m afraid the more negative results we see, the more bitter I am becoming.
I find myself feeling bitter when I scroll past pregnancy announcements on Facebook. It is a challenge to be happy for them. I feel bitter towards people in my life that have kids, even though I love those kiddos like my own. I feel bitter towards members at work that bring their kids with them and treat them poorly, and I just want to tell them to not take them for granted. I even feel bitter towards couples, who I know have been dealing with infertility for awhile, when their dreams come true and they see those two pink lines. I’m also beginning to feel bitter towards God.
And when I feel bitter, I have crazy thoughts like…
Why do other people deserve children and we don’t? That is the one question that repeatedly pops in my head. Some teenagers get pregnant and then give their babies up for adoption. Others put them in a dumpster. Some prostitutes get pregnant and leave their child alone at night to go to “work”. Some crack heads get pregnant and abort their babies. Some couples get pregnant on accident with their third or fourth or whatever number and say, oh I can’t handle another one! And I’m just over here watching and waiting and asking God why He can’t share the love!
Jim and I are at a great place in our marriage and are emotionally ready to have children. We both have good, stable jobs and Jim has awesome health insurance, so we feel we are financially ready to support children (although all our money might be spent on trying to have kids and there won’t be any left to feed them!). Last year we bought a spacious house with four bedrooms, so we have room for a growing family. We recently bought an SUV so we could comfortably travel home with two dogs and a baby. And we have so much love already for this baby that it hurts! So what else are you waiting on, God? What lesson are you trying to teach us? Is it patience? Because I think two years is long enough! (I obviously am not patient anymore.) Or are you getting ready to come back for us soon so there is no point in us having kids? Am I going to be diagnosed with some awful disease that is going to kill me in a few years so you don’t want me to bring a child into this world and then have me die on them? Are you waiting a few months because you know I really want to go to the Taylor Swift concert in September with Kelly, and if I got pregnant now I probably would have to cancel?
I really think I’m going insane here.
So I’ve been asking myself what I can do to make me feel less crazy.
The obvious answer to me is to pray. But to be quite honest, I feel like praying is getting me nowhere. Maybe I’m praying for the wrong thing? I’ve been praying month after month to just be blessed with a baby. Maybe I need to pray for understanding. But then I tell myself, I have no right to understand God. He doesn’t have to explain Himself to me. I work so hard to try to figure out His plan and read “signs”, that I’m probably missing the point. What is the point? I don’t know yet. I do know that God loves me and cares for me and knows what’s best for me. I just have to convince my heart to believe all that when times are tough like this. It’s easy to lose hope and be angry, and I think sometimes it’s ok to just be angry for a bit. But I don’t want to be consumed with bitterness.
So I think what I’m going to work on is being grateful for the blessings I do have in my life, even if I don’t have a child. I am thankful that I have found the one I get to spend the rest of my life with. I’m so glad we have awesome families that we enjoy being around. It’s pretty stinking cool that we live just a few miles from our very best friends and get to hang out with them at least once a week. God has always provided for us financially and we have never really had to worry about money. I’m thankful for our health. I’m grateful for movies and books and my TV shows that temporarily transport me to another world and take my mind off my problems. I’m thankful for having things to look forward to, like my sister’s wedding in Florida!
And most of all, I’m so very thankful that God sent His son Jesus to die on a cross to take away MY sins (like feeling bitter) so that I could live eternally with Him. Jesus, please forgive me for losing hope and faith, and for my bitterness. I need You now more than ever.