Drinking, Derek, and Dreams

I recently started the third part of my cleanse, which is mixing the ICP powder in juice and drinking it twice a day.

I started with a 1/2 teaspoon a day and I add a 1/2 tsp each day until I’m at 1 tablespoon at morning and night. I’m supposed to do this until the mucoid plaque drops out. Looking at the powder, it reminds me of brown sugar…

…but the resemblance stops there. It tastes like crap. Well, I’ve actually never tasted crap, but it’s awful. The consistency is the worst part. It feels like I’m drinking sand because it doesn’t dissolve in water or juice. I have also realized that after I drink it in the morning, it makes me feel full and I don’t want to eat breakfast. And I don’t like skipping breakfast. I think it’s an important meal, but after taking ICP, the sight of food makes me sick to my stomach. So hopefully this cleanse works really fast so I can be done with this soon.

*Sigh* The things we do for our unborn children.

The next thing is not related to infertility in any way, but I’m allowed to talk about other things, right? Right. So….Derek Shepherd is no more. You can laugh and shake your head and roll your eyes at me. But I am distraught and mad at Shonda Rhimes about this. I have watched Grey’s Anatomy from the beginning, so for ELEVEN YEARS, and she decides to write off my favorite character in the WORST way possible. It was fitting that right before he died he was doing what he loved. He even said his catch phrase: “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.” Then he freaking gets hit by a semi and taken to a hospital where the doctors don’t know what the heck they are doing. Really?? This storyline had nothing to do with the show and it was an awful and disrespectful way for him to go. He deserved better than that. I would have rather him and Meredith get divorced than he DIE! I was expecting next season to be the last and him and Mer and the kids would all be together and have their happy ending. And then the music starting playing and they showed flashbacks, and I knew my heart was about to be ripped out. Ugh! Yes, I’m being dramatic. But I thought it couldn’t ever get worse than Denny’s death. Wrong.

Moving on…I had a dream Thursday night that I woke up from crying. But I think it was a good cry. 🙂 Jim and I were at our current house. Jim was working on one of the cars and I was playing with our two sons outside. The oldest one was 9 or 10 and the youngest 4 or 5. We were just rolling around in the yard having fun when the oldest asked me, with a cute smile on his face, if he could have some ice cream now. I said yes, thinking this is totally my kid. (If you know me well, you know I could live off of ice cream.) Then I hugged him and I told him I loved him. He said it back. And I just held on for a few seconds longer, thinking to myself about all we went through to get him and how it was worth the wait. Now I don’t always believe that every dream is God trying to speak to you, but I felt He was in this instance. I haven’t even been worried about getting pregnant lately. Maybe because life has been crazy busy. But I feel He was telling me that it’s going to be ok and will totally be worth the wait. I don’t know if that means I’m going to get pregnant soon or we are going to have to wait awhile longer, but I’m going to be patient and just keep telling myself: they will be worth the wait!