My Love/Hate Relationship With My OBGYN

Ok, so hate is a strong word. I don’t hate my OBGYN; I don’t even really dislike her. I just hate what she said.

A couple of weeks ago, I had my yearly check up with her. As soon as I walked into the office, I became super emotional. And I have no idea why. I have really, truly, seriously been fine with not being pregnant the last few months. I have not been bitter or upset. I have not cried at a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I have not mentally (or verbally, for that matter 🙂 ) scolded parents for taking their children for granted. I’ve really been in a good place. So I’m guessing it was the fact that I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborns. Or because when the nurse asked me if I had any issues, to which I said, “Well, besides not being able to get pregnant,” and just chuckled about it, she responded with, “Well bless your heart!”. Or it could have been because I waited 45 minutes to see the doctor, during which I could hear an ultrasound going on in the next room and I wondered if I would ever get to hear our baby’s heartbeat. I guess it was all just overwhelming.

When the doc came in, she sat down across from me and we just talked. I’m used to her just asking her questions and going through the exam and that’s that. But God knew I needed this. She asked how I was doing, and I just lost it. I told her I didn’t know why I was crying, and she said, “Because you want to have a baby! It’s ok!”. She asked why we stopped seeing the infertility doctor, and I told her about the last appointment and how I didn’t feel valued. I said I felt like things weren’t being explained to me thoroughly. She said Dr. Reshef is usually great about taking time with his patients, so this surprised her. She mentioned I have the option of seeing one other infertility doc, but he is known for not spending much time with his patients, so he wouldn’t be any better. She asked what I felt like wasn’t explained, and I said I guess just what our options were for finding out what the issue is. So she went over in detail every test and medicine we have tried, and made sure I understood what we’ve done so far. She asked what Dr. Reshef told me was next, and I said the fertility shots ending with IUI, but that I didn’t really understand what those were. She explained the Femara I took for a few cycles was the pill form of meds to help me ovulate more, and that the shots are the same thing, just more effective. I asked about endometriosis and told her Dr. Reshef said the only way to check for that was to have the laparoscopic surgery. She agreed, and said I really don’t have any symptoms of endometriosis, so she acted like she didn’t think I needed to have the surgery.

After discussing everything, she said, “So, the reason Dr. Reshef didn’t explain everything is because there is nothing to explain. Unfortunately, you fall into the 15% of couples that have unexplained infertility.”

Knife to the heart.

It was heartbreaking to hear that said out loud. No one has said it to us before, although we’ve suspected there was nothing wrong. All I could think was why? Why is this happening? I know God has a plan and I am trusting in that now more than ever, but why does it have to be an unexplained issue? I thought, I would almost rather have something wrong with us so we would know what needed to be fixed! But then thought I would probably be more distraught if we had issues and found out they weren’t fixable.

My OBGYN said since we don’t have any medical problems, that we are good candidates for IVF, which she suggested as our next step. She talked about how this is a big step and we need to mentally prepare ourselves for it, but she believes it would work. I said we weren’t ready for that yet, and she was very understanding. She just said that when we are, we need to schedule an appointment with Dr. Reshef and not to leave his office until everything is explained to us.

I left her office feeling better, but at the same time more upset. I loved that she sat down and just talked with me for several minutes about our infertility. I enjoyed talking to someone that understands our options and can tell me the truth about our situation. But it was upsetting to hear our infertility is unexplainable, at least for doctors. God has an explanation; I just I wish I knew what it was. But we don’t get to know everything about God’s plan. We just have to trust Him and believe that His plan is going to rock our world.

That night, Jim and I discussed what my OBGYN said and what we want to do from here. It’s nice to know she thinks we would be good candidates for IVF, but I don’t think we are ready to take that step yet. For me, I think fear is holding me back. I’m afraid that we will try this and spend all this money on it, and then it won’t work. That would be our last option, so then what? We just aren’t meant to have kids? Or should we keep trying more rounds of IVF? I think I’ve just got it stuck in my mind that if it didn’t work, that would be it. Of course we would adopt at that point, but I want to have a baby of our own. I want to experience pregnancy and all the wonderful and terrible things that come with it. I know without a doubt I am meant to be a mom, but that doesn’t mean I’m meant to be a mom to my own flesh and blood child. That might not be in God’s plan, and I guess I’m just afraid that the sooner we try IVF, and if it doesn’t work, the sooner my dreams will be crushed. I realize this all sounds very pessimistic. I try to remind myself to stay positive about it and not let the Enemy put these doubts and fears in my head, but sometimes it is difficult.

The other thing that is holding me back from IVF right now is thinking that going through with IVF is like trying to play God. I would love some feedback from you ladies out there that have done IVF and have struggled with this, or have not done it because of this thought. I just keep thinking, what if God doesn’t want us to do IVF because he doesn’t want us to rush it? What if we are going to get pregnant naturally without any help from medicine or technology? I sometimes say, “God, if I only knew when You were going to give us a baby, it would be so much easier to live with infertility! Even if You told us it was going to be in five years, I would be ok with the wait because I would know it IS going to happen!” Again, I don’t have the right to know what God is thinking. But if that is His plan, I worry that us doing IVF is trying to take His plan into our own hands and force it or hurry it along. But at the same time, I believe that God has given us medicine and technology to enhance our lives and help with situations like this, so maybe IVF is part of His will. I’m probably overanalyzing this, just like I do with every other aspect of my life. But these are the thoughts I struggle with.

So for now, we are waiting. We are going to stay the course with our more natural plan of chiropractic care, acupuncture, and the YLO colon cleanse. We are praying for this to be successful, but that if we are supposed to do IVF, that God will make it abundantly clear.


God’s Plan is at Work!

Long time, no update! There just hasn’t been anything to update about…until recently.

I’m still on the Young Living Oil cleanse and have been doing it for a little over three months now. One MAJOR benefit I have noticed is that my cycle is more regular now. YAY!! (Sorry, yet not sorry, if this is TMI for some…it’s a big deal!) No more of this 27-36 day inconsistencies. It’s now either 29 or 30 days. Also, the back pain and pelvic pain I used to experience a week before my cycle has greatly reduced! Another big deal! And I fully believe the cleanse is responsible for this. I felt God leading me to try a more natural route and He is working miracles through it!

The other part of the natural journey I felt God pointing me towards was going to a chiropractor to treat infertility. I was really hesitant about finding a new chiropractor, and I’m not sure why. Maybe because I was afraid it wouldn’t work, or maybe because I was comfortable going to the one I had and didn’t want to change. They do give me a back massage for like 10 minutes before every adjustment….who would want to give that up?! But one night, I finally made time to do some research. I contacted five or six different chiropractors by email, since it was late at night when I was working on this. Some of the doctors were on our insurance and some were not, but I wanted the best so I wasn’t going to worry about the money. Some of them were way on the north side of town, but I told myself I wasn’t going to let the drive be a factor in my decision. So the next morning as I was on my way to work, I prayed for God to lead me to the right chiropractor. Before I walked into work, I checked my email on my phone just to see if anyone had responded yet. There was one email from a Dr. M. I remembered that one wasn’t listed on our insurance, so I didn’t have high hopes for it. I read the email and it said Dr. M has treated several men and women for infertility through adjustments and acupuncture, which I was wanting someone that did acupuncture, so that was a plus. Then it said they do accept my insurance and it would only be only $35 a visit! I thought, ok…this is good. When I looked up their address, I realized they were only two miles south of my work. Even better! And they are open until six, which most chiropractors I have found are not, so that meant I didn’t have to take time off work for appointments. Right away, I knew this was where God wanted me to be.

So I made an appointment for the next day, and I absolutely love Dr. M! He is so much like my chiropractor I had back home. Very personable and friendly, and he asked me a ton of questions and really paid attention to me. He has a plan and says he has a high success rate for treating infertility. He takes his time with me and doesn’t rush, like my other chiropractor here did. I just feel at ease with him and believe God is going to work through him to help us get pregnant!

He did x-rays at my first appointment to figure out what specifically he needed to work on. About a month before I saw him, my toes started feeling numb/tingly on and off throughout the day. He showed me in my x-rays how some vertebrae in my low back are really squished together and are putting pressure on my nerves, which gives me that numbing sensation down in my toes. I had told him I have slight scoliosis, which you can really see in my low back, so he said that is causing those issues. He also said my neck does not have a c-curve like it should, and I have some very slight degeneration in my neck vertebrae. But he is positive that he can fix it all, as well as treat the infertility. Right now he is working on my lower back to get the numbness to stop, so we haven’t gotten in his game plan quite yet for the infertility. I have seen him three times a week for two weeks now, and this last week we started acupuncture in my lower back. I was really nervous because I have never had acupuncture before, but it was painless and pretty relaxing actually. I still don’t fully understand how acupuncture works, so I want to ask for more clarification on that. But overall, I believe this along with the cleanse is going to get us pregnant!

The biggest change I’ve seen in the last few months has been in my attitude. I’m no longer bitter all the time. I don’t break down and cry every time I see a pregnancy announcement on Facebook anymore. I don’t curse God when I’m not pregnant month after month. God has really been working on my attitude and patience, and I am just staying positive and believing that one day we will be blessed with a little bundle of joy and poopie diapers. For me, it’s not a question of IF it will happen anymore, just a question of WHEN.


Drinking, Derek, and Dreams

I recently started the third part of my cleanse, which is mixing the ICP powder in juice and drinking it twice a day.

I started with a 1/2 teaspoon a day and I add a 1/2 tsp each day until I’m at 1 tablespoon at morning and night. I’m supposed to do this until the mucoid plaque drops out. Looking at the powder, it reminds me of brown sugar…

…but the resemblance stops there. It tastes like crap. Well, I’ve actually never tasted crap, but it’s awful. The consistency is the worst part. It feels like I’m drinking sand because it doesn’t dissolve in water or juice. I have also realized that after I drink it in the morning, it makes me feel full and I don’t want to eat breakfast. And I don’t like skipping breakfast. I think it’s an important meal, but after taking ICP, the sight of food makes me sick to my stomach. So hopefully this cleanse works really fast so I can be done with this soon.

*Sigh* The things we do for our unborn children.

The next thing is not related to infertility in any way, but I’m allowed to talk about other things, right? Right. So….Derek Shepherd is no more. You can laugh and shake your head and roll your eyes at me. But I am distraught and mad at Shonda Rhimes about this. I have watched Grey’s Anatomy from the beginning, so for ELEVEN YEARS, and she decides to write off my favorite character in the WORST way possible. It was fitting that right before he died he was doing what he loved. He even said his catch phrase: “It’s a beautiful day to save lives.” Then he freaking gets hit by a semi and taken to a hospital where the doctors don’t know what the heck they are doing. Really?? This storyline had nothing to do with the show and it was an awful and disrespectful way for him to go. He deserved better than that. I would have rather him and Meredith get divorced than he DIE! I was expecting next season to be the last and him and Mer and the kids would all be together and have their happy ending. And then the music starting playing and they showed flashbacks, and I knew my heart was about to be ripped out. Ugh! Yes, I’m being dramatic. But I thought it couldn’t ever get worse than Denny’s death. Wrong.

Moving on…I had a dream Thursday night that I woke up from crying. But I think it was a good cry. 🙂 Jim and I were at our current house. Jim was working on one of the cars and I was playing with our two sons outside. The oldest one was 9 or 10 and the youngest 4 or 5. We were just rolling around in the yard having fun when the oldest asked me, with a cute smile on his face, if he could have some ice cream now. I said yes, thinking this is totally my kid. (If you know me well, you know I could live off of ice cream.) Then I hugged him and I told him I loved him. He said it back. And I just held on for a few seconds longer, thinking to myself about all we went through to get him and how it was worth the wait. Now I don’t always believe that every dream is God trying to speak to you, but I felt He was in this instance. I haven’t even been worried about getting pregnant lately. Maybe because life has been crazy busy. But I feel He was telling me that it’s going to be ok and will totally be worth the wait. I don’t know if that means I’m going to get pregnant soon or we are going to have to wait awhile longer, but I’m going to be patient and just keep telling myself: they will be worth the wait!