My Love/Hate Relationship With My OBGYN

Ok, so hate is a strong word. I don’t hate my OBGYN; I don’t even really dislike her. I just hate what she said.

A couple of weeks ago, I had my yearly check up with her. As soon as I walked into the office, I became super emotional. And I have no idea why. I have really, truly, seriously been fine with not being pregnant the last few months. I have not been bitter or upset. I have not cried at a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I have not mentally (or verbally, for that matter 🙂 ) scolded parents for taking their children for granted. I’ve really been in a good place. So I’m guessing it was the fact that I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborns. Or because when the nurse asked me if I had any issues, to which I said, “Well, besides not being able to get pregnant,” and just chuckled about it, she responded with, “Well bless your heart!”. Or it could have been because I waited 45 minutes to see the doctor, during which I could hear an ultrasound going on in the next room and I wondered if I would ever get to hear our baby’s heartbeat. I guess it was all just overwhelming.

When the doc came in, she sat down across from me and we just talked. I’m used to her just asking her questions and going through the exam and that’s that. But God knew I needed this. She asked how I was doing, and I just lost it. I told her I didn’t know why I was crying, and she said, “Because you want to have a baby! It’s ok!”. She asked why we stopped seeing the infertility doctor, and I told her about the last appointment and how I didn’t feel valued. I said I felt like things weren’t being explained to me thoroughly. She said Dr. Reshef is usually great about taking time with his patients, so this surprised her. She mentioned I have the option of seeing one other infertility doc, but he is known for not spending much time with his patients, so he wouldn’t be any better. She asked what I felt like wasn’t explained, and I said I guess just what our options were for finding out what the issue is. So she went over in detail every test and medicine we have tried, and made sure I understood what we’ve done so far. She asked what Dr. Reshef told me was next, and I said the fertility shots ending with IUI, but that I didn’t really understand what those were. She explained the Femara I took for a few cycles was the pill form of meds to help me ovulate more, and that the shots are the same thing, just more effective. I asked about endometriosis and told her Dr. Reshef said the only way to check for that was to have the laparoscopic surgery. She agreed, and said I really don’t have any symptoms of endometriosis, so she acted like she didn’t think I needed to have the surgery.

After discussing everything, she said, “So, the reason Dr. Reshef didn’t explain everything is because there is nothing to explain. Unfortunately, you fall into the 15% of couples that have unexplained infertility.”

Knife to the heart.

It was heartbreaking to hear that said out loud. No one has said it to us before, although we’ve suspected there was nothing wrong. All I could think was why? Why is this happening? I know God has a plan and I am trusting in that now more than ever, but why does it have to be an unexplained issue? I thought, I would almost rather have something wrong with us so we would know what needed to be fixed! But then thought I would probably be more distraught if we had issues and found out they weren’t fixable.

My OBGYN said since we don’t have any medical problems, that we are good candidates for IVF, which she suggested as our next step. She talked about how this is a big step and we need to mentally prepare ourselves for it, but she believes it would work. I said we weren’t ready for that yet, and she was very understanding. She just said that when we are, we need to schedule an appointment with Dr. Reshef and not to leave his office until everything is explained to us.

I left her office feeling better, but at the same time more upset. I loved that she sat down and just talked with me for several minutes about our infertility. I enjoyed talking to someone that understands our options and can tell me the truth about our situation. But it was upsetting to hear our infertility is unexplainable, at least for doctors. God has an explanation; I just I wish I knew what it was. But we don’t get to know everything about God’s plan. We just have to trust Him and believe that His plan is going to rock our world.

That night, Jim and I discussed what my OBGYN said and what we want to do from here. It’s nice to know she thinks we would be good candidates for IVF, but I don’t think we are ready to take that step yet. For me, I think fear is holding me back. I’m afraid that we will try this and spend all this money on it, and then it won’t work. That would be our last option, so then what? We just aren’t meant to have kids? Or should we keep trying more rounds of IVF? I think I’ve just got it stuck in my mind that if it didn’t work, that would be it. Of course we would adopt at that point, but I want to have a baby of our own. I want to experience pregnancy and all the wonderful and terrible things that come with it. I know without a doubt I am meant to be a mom, but that doesn’t mean I’m meant to be a mom to my own flesh and blood child. That might not be in God’s plan, and I guess I’m just afraid that the sooner we try IVF, and if it doesn’t work, the sooner my dreams will be crushed. I realize this all sounds very pessimistic. I try to remind myself to stay positive about it and not let the Enemy put these doubts and fears in my head, but sometimes it is difficult.

The other thing that is holding me back from IVF right now is thinking that going through with IVF is like trying to play God. I would love some feedback from you ladies out there that have done IVF and have struggled with this, or have not done it because of this thought. I just keep thinking, what if God doesn’t want us to do IVF because he doesn’t want us to rush it? What if we are going to get pregnant naturally without any help from medicine or technology? I sometimes say, “God, if I only knew when You were going to give us a baby, it would be so much easier to live with infertility! Even if You told us it was going to be in five years, I would be ok with the wait because I would know it IS going to happen!” Again, I don’t have the right to know what God is thinking. But if that is His plan, I worry that us doing IVF is trying to take His plan into our own hands and force it or hurry it along. But at the same time, I believe that God has given us medicine and technology to enhance our lives and help with situations like this, so maybe IVF is part of His will. I’m probably overanalyzing this, just like I do with every other aspect of my life. But these are the thoughts I struggle with.

So for now, we are waiting. We are going to stay the course with our more natural plan of chiropractic care, acupuncture, and the YLO colon cleanse. We are praying for this to be successful, but that if we are supposed to do IVF, that God will make it abundantly clear.


God’s Timing

God works in wonderful ways. But I am constantly overanalyzing His ways, thinking about everything being a “sign” and wondering if I’m reading them right.

I had a doctor appointment last Monday, and was pretty upset when I left the doctor’s office. I waited a week to blog about it because I wanted to be able to calm down and see the whole picture. It was day three of my cycle and I was going in for my normal ultrasound to check for cysts so I could be prescribed another round of Femara. Jim and I had talked before I went in and decided I was going to ask about some other treatment options and see what our next steps might be since we weren’t seeing the results we wanted with the Femara. It was my full intention to get the prescription and still try the Femara this month, but just to also see what the other options were. So while I was driving to the hospital, I was praying for God to speak through my doctor and tell me what the next step is.

It was a Monday, so I figured they were going to be busy. The doctor’s nurse, Beverly, asked if we were doing another round of Femara, and I said that I had some questions for the doctor first. So instead of taking me into a room like normal, she rushed me back to his office and said, “Dr. Reshef, Kristi is feeling frustrated and wants to know what other options there are.” I was like, ok, I didn’t say that to you, but that is true. I sat down and the doctor said that he could see why I would be frustrated after trying three cycles of Femara and not getting pregnant. He said that back in the day, doctors would jump to the laparoscopic procedure to see what was going on inside, like endometriosis or scarring tissue, but nowadays they don’t do that. For one, he said it’s very expensive, and for two, half the time it’s a waste. He said 50% of the time they will find something and the other 50% they won’t, but even if we didn’t find any issues we would at least have peace of mind knowing that nothing was wrong. He then got a phone call and answered it, which I thought was a little rude. I felt like he wasn’t focusing on me. I then asked if there were any other tests we could do to figure out what the problem is. (I did forget I had already done a thyroid test and that was normal). He said not really. That is the most frustrating part of all this; we don’t know what the problem is! Then he said the next step he would suggest is fertility shots. He explained briefly that I would need to come in 4-5 times during a one week period for shots and blood work, then we would try IUI at the end. I asked if he thought that was the best option, and he said he would recommend it to his own daughter. But that just seemed like a scripted answer. He got up, walked me out, gave me an information sheet on the shots and a pat on the back, then sent me back to Beverly while he rushed off to his next patient.

Beverly starts telling me she’s going to get me with the fertility institute because I have to sign the consent forms for the shots and they need to explain things and have time to order the medicine, and what insurance do I have? because this will cost $2-3,000. And I was like, whoa lady! He just told me this was an option! I haven’t had time to process it and decide. She asks, “Oh, did you want to speak with your husband about this first?” Um yeah, that might be a good idea. Then I had the gall to ask her about previous tests I had. She seemed irritated with me, like she was trying to get me out of her way, and said,  “Well, I’ll have to grab your chart to check because you are just asking me questions I don’t have answers to!”

Overall, I just did not have a good feeling about the visit. I have always had good experiences with this doctor, but this time I felt I was not valued or treated well. I was in the doctor’s office for a total of 5 minutes (and they charged me $150 for that – grrrr). I felt like he was rushing me to make a decision. I did not feel good about the shots as he was describing them. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t have time to ask questions and process, or if I was just afraid to take that next step because the more treatments we try, the fewer options we have left for trying to conceive. Or I don’t know if it was God telling me this was not the right step to take. Which would be ironic since I prayed for God to speak through the doctor, but then He knew what the doctor was going to say, so maybe all along He was going to give me bad feelings about it. See, I told you…I overanalyze His plans.

So I’ve been praying and spending more time with God and just seeking out His will for us over the last couple of weeks, asking for His guidance, and some crazy cool things have been coming together.

The Saturday before the appointment, my mother-in-law gave me a book to read that was lent to her by a co-worker. This co-worker had read our blog and thought this book might give us a new direction to try. It’s about using essential oils to cleanse your body. The doctor that wrote the book stated that she has helped all but five women get pregnant after having them do a colon and liver cleanse. She suggests using the Cleansing Trio pack from Young Living Oils for the cleanse. I had considered oils in the past, but hadn’t looked into them much. What this doctor was writing about made sense…that you have all these toxins in your body, and some of them are excreted out, but then some are absorbed into your body and that can mess with your hormones and fertility. I was thinking, well I’m up for anything at this point! And this Cleansing Trio is about how much it costs for my monthly appointments, so why not. I talked with a friend that sells YLO and she explained more about the oils and how she had someone on her team that was having trouble getting pregnant. She started using an oil called Progessence Plus (to increase progesterone levels) and was pregnant a few months later. I know everyone’s body is different, but I wanted to look into this. I asked my friend if I would be ok to take the Femara and try the cleansing pills and oils, and she advised me to pray about it. So I did, and I feel that I got my answer at my doctor’s appointment. The doctor did not end up prescribing the Femara to me this month; he told us to take a break (yeah right). That, along with not feeling great about the fertility shots, really got me to thinking that maybe this was what God wanted me to try next.

So I started researching essential oils and infertility, and so many women have had success with it! I don’t want to get my hopes up, but my thinking is, it can’t hurt to try something more natural for a few months. Even if we did want to do the fertility shots, it was too late to do them this cycle. Then next month we will be out of town during the time we would need to do them, so I feel it was perfect timing that the idea of using the oils was presented to me. I also found out that a lady I work with sells YLO, and I asked her about her opinion on them after my appointment. She was very encouraging and basically told me what I already found out, but asked me to keep her updated on my journey and let her know if I had success with the oils. She also said she would be praying for me. I have only talked with this lady once (she works at a different office) so it was touching that she was so interested in my story and willing to offer support and prayers when I had only just emailed her that day. It was definitely a God thing.

Then, someone that I went to high school with and haven’t talked to since then, messaged me on Facebook. He said he hardly reads FB, but got on there and saw my blog post. Another God thing. He told me how he and his wife struggled with infertility for three years. He said they had tried what we have and more, and they understood the pain and financial burden. He said they were bitter and discouraged just like us. Then he told me that his wife starting seeing a chiropractor that specializes in infertility. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. He went on to say that after a month of adjustments, cacti, acupuncture, supplements and of course prayers, they were pregnant! Again, I know everyone’s body is different, but I feel God had him see my blog for a reason…so that he could share their story and encourage us, and also share a different treatment option with us. He even went as far as to ask his chiropractor if she could recommend one in my area that I could try. He sent me two different doctors and they are both about 1.5 hours away. Jim read the bio of the one in Tulsa, and he talks about his love for Jesus. So now I’m feeling maybe I should try an infertility chiropractor along with the oils. I just don’t know if these feelings are me grasping for new hope and different options besides expensive shots, or if God is pushing me in this direction.

This old friend also went on to encourage me to have a good attitude. He said that was the biggest difference he noticed in his wife; she was more focused on being positive. Well, I’m currently attending a Dale Carnegie course through work, and one of the readings tonight talked about how we can stop worrying by having a good attitude. He states in his books that a man is what he thinks about all day long. If I keep dwelling on our infertility issues all day, I’m going to truly become infertile. I cannot let infertility define me. He also says in the book that our mental attitude can have an unbelievable effect on our physical powers. If I believe in my heart that we are able to get pregnant and will get pregnant, it will happen! But if I continue to have negative thoughts and be down in the dumps all the time, that is not going to help. I know it sounds cheesy, but if I think positive, I believe positive thing will begin happen. Where we are in life or the stuff we have will not bring us joy and happiness, but having a great mental attitude can. Life is what we make it to be. And if I can find my joy in Christ and ask Him to help me have a positive outlook, and truly believe in my heart that we will get pregnant instead of throwing myself a pity party and asking why we aren’t, it WILL happen.

Another chapter I read tonight talked about counting our blessings and being grateful for our bounties. This was just a perfect-timed reminder of what I had already vowed to do in my last post!

Lastly, God really spoke to me through my sister this week. She reminded me of God’s promises for us. That He wants to work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (and that’s me!). That He will fulfill the desires of our hearts. The He is faithful and has never abandoned us. That He wants us to be fruitful and multiply. I am focusing on these truths and fighting against the doubts that Satan has put in my mind.

After going back and reading this, I realize it all might seem random to you, but I honestly believe this is God speaking to me. I’m going to stop trying to read “signs” and just listen to Him. I hear Him telling me to try something different and commanding me to change my attitude. So that is the direction I am going to take.

I am curious to know if any of you have tried oils or chiropractic care to treat infertility. Or if you have done any research on it. I am also interested in hearing about your experiences with infertility shots. I would love to hear any thoughts you have!