1

Trying to Grow Our Family for Three Years

I never imagined we would still be traveling this journey at this point, but last month was the three year mark of dealing with infertility. And you know what, it didn’t bother me one bit! God has totally transformed my heart and attitude over the last three years. When I go back and read my very first blog post, I can see how much of a bitter heart I had. I was bitter towards people that had children and complained about them. I was bitter towards women that could get pregnant just like that. I was bitter towards those same women that then whined about being pregnant.

But Jesus removed that bitterness and replaced it with joy and thankfulness. He made me see that I just needed to place my faith and trust in Him and He would provide, like He always has before. I understand now that God knew what He was doing this whole time. Why did I ever worry? He moved us to OKC when I didn’t want to and had Jim go through two jobs before placing him in the one he has now at the hospital, because God knew we would need fertility treatments. Bennett Fertility is the best fertility clinic in the state, and compared to the clinics in Kansas we would have gone to, Bennett has better success rates. God also knew that we would need help with the cost and provided that through Jim’s job. We realize how very blessed we are to have insurance that covers the majority of our treatments. Lastly, He knew I would need time off work for these treatments, and I don’t believe my previous job would have been as understanding as my current one. I am so grateful God has me working for someone that cares about us trying to expand our family and is willing to work around my many appointments.

I mentioned that Jesus also gave me a heart of thankfulness. Why would I be thankful that we are experiencing this pain? The countless disappointing months? The waiting and wondering why? The feeling that I am a failure and something is wrong with me? Because it has made me a better person, wife, friend, employee, and, most importantly, follower of Jesus. My character has grown so incredibly much over these last three years. My negativity has changed to positivity. My understanding of how God cares for me and loves me has shifted. And most importantly, my relationships with my Savior and husband are closer, stronger, and more intimate than ever. I see now that God wanted me to experience this so all this beautiful growth could happen. I would not be the same person I am now if we got what we wanted and had a baby right away. I would not realize that I cannot do this on my own and that not everything in my life is under my control. I would not be as thankful for the blessings and good things I do have in my life, with our without a child.

I also would not have met all of my wonderful TTC sisters and would not have been encouraged by them or been able to lift them up! I started sharing our experience publicly so that others would be lifted up by our story and know they are not alone. And God did so much more than what I had planned! He connected me with women that I now talk to daily. We share our struggles and doubts and fears and are able to keep pushing each other to not give up and are praying for each other. The TTC community is one of a kind and I am so grateful that God introduced me to it. I don’t know what I would do without these amazing ladies!

So where are we on our journey now? Well, I’m actually on bed rest from a transfer of one beautiful little embaby we just did on Monday! At the end of last year, we felt God leading us on the path to IVF and set up a consultation with our RE. We left his office that day feeling totally at peace about it. Praise be to God that we were able to get this far in the process with no issues. Every checkup I had was perfect and we were told we were right on track. So now all we can do is pray and wait! I am one that likes to have control (something God is still working on in me), so I just keep telling myself that there is nothing I can do about it at this point. Either it will work or it won’t. IF it doesn’t (I don’t like to think about it, but want to be prepared), I will know that is God’s plan and the He is still sovereign in our lives and still loves us and has what’s best for us in store. But we are BELIEVING this will work and God WILL beat infertility for us!

To be honest, I’m probably not going to blog much anymore. As you can tell (since my last post was August 🙂 ), I don’t do an excellent job of keeping this updated. I have found it’s easier for me to connect with women through my Instagram. So if you want to follow our story there, my handle is @dreamingofdirtydiapers.

Thank you so much for following our journey this far, and thank you to those that have supported us and prayed for us! God Bless!

K+J

5

My Love/Hate Relationship With My OBGYN

Ok, so hate is a strong word. I don’t hate my OBGYN; I don’t even really dislike her. I just hate what she said.

A couple of weeks ago, I had my yearly check up with her. As soon as I walked into the office, I became super emotional. And I have no idea why. I have really, truly, seriously been fine with not being pregnant the last few months. I have not been bitter or upset. I have not cried at a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I have not mentally (or verbally, for that matter 🙂 ) scolded parents for taking their children for granted. I’ve really been in a good place. So I’m guessing it was the fact that I was surrounded by pregnant women and newborns. Or because when the nurse asked me if I had any issues, to which I said, “Well, besides not being able to get pregnant,” and just chuckled about it, she responded with, “Well bless your heart!”. Or it could have been because I waited 45 minutes to see the doctor, during which I could hear an ultrasound going on in the next room and I wondered if I would ever get to hear our baby’s heartbeat. I guess it was all just overwhelming.

When the doc came in, she sat down across from me and we just talked. I’m used to her just asking her questions and going through the exam and that’s that. But God knew I needed this. She asked how I was doing, and I just lost it. I told her I didn’t know why I was crying, and she said, “Because you want to have a baby! It’s ok!”. She asked why we stopped seeing the infertility doctor, and I told her about the last appointment and how I didn’t feel valued. I said I felt like things weren’t being explained to me thoroughly. She said Dr. Reshef is usually great about taking time with his patients, so this surprised her. She mentioned I have the option of seeing one other infertility doc, but he is known for not spending much time with his patients, so he wouldn’t be any better. She asked what I felt like wasn’t explained, and I said I guess just what our options were for finding out what the issue is. So she went over in detail every test and medicine we have tried, and made sure I understood what we’ve done so far. She asked what Dr. Reshef told me was next, and I said the fertility shots ending with IUI, but that I didn’t really understand what those were. She explained the Femara I took for a few cycles was the pill form of meds to help me ovulate more, and that the shots are the same thing, just more effective. I asked about endometriosis and told her Dr. Reshef said the only way to check for that was to have the laparoscopic surgery. She agreed, and said I really don’t have any symptoms of endometriosis, so she acted like she didn’t think I needed to have the surgery.

After discussing everything, she said, “So, the reason Dr. Reshef didn’t explain everything is because there is nothing to explain. Unfortunately, you fall into the 15% of couples that have unexplained infertility.”

Knife to the heart.

It was heartbreaking to hear that said out loud. No one has said it to us before, although we’ve suspected there was nothing wrong. All I could think was why? Why is this happening? I know God has a plan and I am trusting in that now more than ever, but why does it have to be an unexplained issue? I thought, I would almost rather have something wrong with us so we would know what needed to be fixed! But then thought I would probably be more distraught if we had issues and found out they weren’t fixable.

My OBGYN said since we don’t have any medical problems, that we are good candidates for IVF, which she suggested as our next step. She talked about how this is a big step and we need to mentally prepare ourselves for it, but she believes it would work. I said we weren’t ready for that yet, and she was very understanding. She just said that when we are, we need to schedule an appointment with Dr. Reshef and not to leave his office until everything is explained to us.

I left her office feeling better, but at the same time more upset. I loved that she sat down and just talked with me for several minutes about our infertility. I enjoyed talking to someone that understands our options and can tell me the truth about our situation. But it was upsetting to hear our infertility is unexplainable, at least for doctors. God has an explanation; I just I wish I knew what it was. But we don’t get to know everything about God’s plan. We just have to trust Him and believe that His plan is going to rock our world.

That night, Jim and I discussed what my OBGYN said and what we want to do from here. It’s nice to know she thinks we would be good candidates for IVF, but I don’t think we are ready to take that step yet. For me, I think fear is holding me back. I’m afraid that we will try this and spend all this money on it, and then it won’t work. That would be our last option, so then what? We just aren’t meant to have kids? Or should we keep trying more rounds of IVF? I think I’ve just got it stuck in my mind that if it didn’t work, that would be it. Of course we would adopt at that point, but I want to have a baby of our own. I want to experience pregnancy and all the wonderful and terrible things that come with it. I know without a doubt I am meant to be a mom, but that doesn’t mean I’m meant to be a mom to my own flesh and blood child. That might not be in God’s plan, and I guess I’m just afraid that the sooner we try IVF, and if it doesn’t work, the sooner my dreams will be crushed. I realize this all sounds very pessimistic. I try to remind myself to stay positive about it and not let the Enemy put these doubts and fears in my head, but sometimes it is difficult.

The other thing that is holding me back from IVF right now is thinking that going through with IVF is like trying to play God. I would love some feedback from you ladies out there that have done IVF and have struggled with this, or have not done it because of this thought. I just keep thinking, what if God doesn’t want us to do IVF because he doesn’t want us to rush it? What if we are going to get pregnant naturally without any help from medicine or technology? I sometimes say, “God, if I only knew when You were going to give us a baby, it would be so much easier to live with infertility! Even if You told us it was going to be in five years, I would be ok with the wait because I would know it IS going to happen!” Again, I don’t have the right to know what God is thinking. But if that is His plan, I worry that us doing IVF is trying to take His plan into our own hands and force it or hurry it along. But at the same time, I believe that God has given us medicine and technology to enhance our lives and help with situations like this, so maybe IVF is part of His will. I’m probably overanalyzing this, just like I do with every other aspect of my life. But these are the thoughts I struggle with.

So for now, we are waiting. We are going to stay the course with our more natural plan of chiropractic care, acupuncture, and the YLO colon cleanse. We are praying for this to be successful, but that if we are supposed to do IVF, that God will make it abundantly clear.